Saturday, April 26, 2008

Taylor Hamas, Egg, and Cheeserrorism

I noticed this sign while driving along Route 17N in Carlstadt, NJ.  For a split second I thought someone might have laced my taylor ham, egg, and cheese sandwich with LSD.  I even pinched myself to make sure that I wasn't in West Texas anymore.  Then I laughed, not because I think extreme nationalism is funny, but rather because the words, "Osama You're Up," conjure a very specific image in my mind.
Picture a stage manager wearing a head set at the Laugh Factory, LA's "premier" comedy club.  The stage manager comes to a green room door adorned with a Hollywood star, under the star reads, "Binny."  The stage manager opens the door ever so slightly, peaks his head in, and utters, "Osama, you're up."  
Osama Bin Laden takes a final bite of a carrot topped with hummus from a catering tray, finishes looking at himself in the mirror, gets up, and walks through the back stage hallway just as a prize fighter approaches ringside before a title bout.  He is patted on the back by members of his entourage and handed a microphone as he steps out on stage to an erupting crowd.

What follows is an abridged transcription of Osama Bin Laden's LA comedic debut at the Laugh Factory, exclusive to Palestinian Bluetooth ( translates best if read in a mock Canadian accent):

Yo LA! What up? OBL in the house.  How's everybody doing tonight?  At first, I was reluctant when my agent at William Morris told me that she booked me at the Laugh Factory because of the Michael Richards incident.  But I figured when am I ever going to get the chance to open for Jon Lovitz? So I jumped on it.  It's great to see Bob Saget in the audience tonight.  Hey Bob!  A little known fact about me, I was a huge Full House fan in the 80's.  I guess you'd call it a guilty pleasure.  Really though, Full House was the only thing that brought solace to my soul while fighting in the Cold War.  I had the biggest crush on Laurie Laughlin.  It really choked me up when Uncle Joey and Uncle Jesse's jingle composing partnership fell to shit.  But hey, who could really blame Uncle Jesse? I'd want to play congas with the Beach Boys on Kokomo too.

Speaking of congas, I know exactly why the same thing is happening in Eldorado, Texas on the Yearning For Zion Ranch with the FLDS cult that happened on David Koresh's Seventh Day Adventist compound in Waco.  Another little known fact about me, I used to kick it with David Koresh back in the day.  We actually used to jam together.  We had a kind of instrumental jazz-fusion thing going on.  I played congas. Koresh played a five-string koa wooden bass, hence the nickname I gave him, Koaresh.  We could never agree on lyrics though.  He would always want to sing about Christ and I would always want to sing about Allah.  We decided to focus on the rhythm like Gloria Estefan and not fight over a message.  We called ourselves Blind Faith Too.  
Man... Koresh was one of the best slap-bass players this side of Corpus Christi.  We were gigging along the local circuit for a while.  And then one day Koresh hears about this new festival starting up in Austin, TX, called South by Southwest.  Koresh submits a press kit with a couple of demos we put together.  He tries to get us on a showcase at Stubbs opening for The Soup Dragons, Ned's Atomic Dustbin, and who else but The Jesus and Mary Chain.  Blind Faith Too was rejected from the inaugural SXSW, something about copyright infringement regarding the name of our band.  Koresh was devastated to say the least.  I went to bat for us saying it wasn't infringement because we put the Too at the end of Blind Faith rendering it an entirely different band than the one with Clapton, Baker, Winwood, and Grech. 
 In the end, SXSW didn't go for it and shunned us.  I got over it, moved on, and started doing hip-hop stuff, Dj-ing and MC-ing with a group of rappers called Taliband, kind of like a Middle Eastern Audio Two.  The last I heard from Koresh was that he was trading his an entire back-line for semi-automatic machine guns and a jumbo bread maker.  We went our seperate ways.  Then one day, I was watching CNN in the early 90's and I see Koresh's entire compound being bitch-slapped with tanks and tear gas by The United States' Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.  There is no doubt that Koresh going bonkers was a direct result of Blind Faith Too not being accepted at Austin's first South by Southwest.  
So, I'm going out on a limb here and begging the committee in charge over there at that god forsaken festival.  When FLDS cult leader Warren Jeffs submits his band this year for the Arcade Fire opening slot at Stubbs just let him play the damn show.  You'll be saving the American taxpayers a helluva lot of money.  And you guys thought I hated your country. he he he.
Speaking of cults and extremists, I was recently in Lincoln, Nebraska, doing a one off at The Lincoln Laugh Box, and I came across an article in USA Today over a sausage and egg sandwich at The Hampton  Inn near the airport.  I read that the extremist hate group Hamas wants to  bolster its perception to the public because its enrollment numbers are dwindling as a result of the group being too extreme.  This cracked me up, not because these motherfuckers have been biting my style for quite some time now and claiming credit for shit that me and my boys were trying to keep hush hush, but because the irony of an extreme hate group trying to appear nice in order to attract more members is beyond rich.  It's fucking loaded.  I'd love to be a fly on the wall at that conference.  What are they going to do?  Offer the members of Hamas a 401K benefits package? he he he.  Here's them, "No, we don't want you to stop blowing yourselves up.  We just want you to enjoy yourselves a little more when you're doing it.  Maybe do like a funny dance right before you detonate or something like that.  We're a pretty laid back hate group you know.  Maybe we should only blow ourselves up in places where people aren't partying like we did in Bali that time.  Nobody likes a fun burglar.  Let's just blowup ourselves in places where people aren't doing fun things this way people know that we, Hamas, like fun things too.  Or maybe just let the women show a little leg every once and a while.  I really don't know.  I'm at a loss."  Here's my solution Hamas.  You want to tailor your perception and entice more Hamas hopefuls?  You need to hire the same publicist that orchestrated Pope Benedict XVI's trip to Washington, DC and Yankee Stadium.  I saw Benedict XVI on Page Six canoodling court-side at the Nets game in between Beyonce and Jay Z.  You can't pimp like that without a good publicist.  I think either Surefire or Nasty Little Man handles Pope Benedict.  I can look into it for you Hamas. 
Laugh Factory, that's my time.  My name is Bin Laden.  You've been a fantastic audience.  

The transcription ends here, as does not being on the road for The Black Hollies.  Tomorrow marks the inaugural  show for the band's second full length tour at where else but The Middle East in Cambridge, MA.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...